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It was an eagerly anticipated trip for two principal reasons. Firstly, I was going to visit my ex-colleague and dear lesbian friend Cathy Aeria who had immigrated to Australia. Secondly, I was bringing my darling beta, Gurbir, along. It was to be his first overseas trip to a country with a Western culture – read Land of the White Man! To date, he had ventured only as far as Malaysia and India. So he was understandably exhilarated at the prospect of holidaying with me at an exciting new destination!

I redeemed 2 free World Traveller tickets (read – cattle class) on British Airways. In classic Brit perversity, they make it sound über posh to raise your expectations so that they can take maniacal pleasure in demolishing it in one fell swoop! It would not have shocked me in the least if the BA bitches’ standard issued equipment included cattle prods and wheelbarrows to trundled hay down the aisle! Hallelujah if you are successful at procuring water from these sullen trolls! In BA’s economy class, everyone is Oliver! Leg room in World Traveller class is an alien concept, the back of the seat in front of you is grudgingly positioned precisely where your knee caps end! If BA had it their way, you would be securely fastened in strait-jackets, standing up and gagged to completely dispense with the annoying food and drinks services. This way, the crew can invest all their effort on vital matters like moaning and whinging about their miserable lives. As for sanitation, you get down on your knees and pray to sweet Mother Mary that fellow passengers are decent civilised human beings who are well schooled in the use of a toilet. If not, the ill-fated will be gingerly dodging yellow puddles or God forbid brown splodges in a tiny capsule they call the lavatory! BA bitches smugly declare that they DON’T DO toilets! Their reasoning, it precludes cross-contamination as they are the cowboys who handle your hay! Evidently, Blighty Air was not on the receiving end of the 1960s memo pertaining to the advent of disposable gloves and liquid soap. Perhaps BA found this new fangled technology to be too intimidating. Besides, they have to factor in the astronomical cost that would be involved if they were to train their entire troupe of trolley dollies to wield such space age technology! It would understandably make more business sense to maintain the status quo and just let the cattle wallow in filth. Needless to say, the food, if you can even call it that, they chuck at you is borderline slop! But beta remained unfazed by the ordeal! He was excited and I was happy that he was coming along! Sigh! The sacrifices I make for my beta! I could have easily travelled in relatively better comfort by selfishly using my miles to redeem a World Traveller Plus ticket solely for myself! World Traveller Plus is a class that is caught in between Business and Economy, seats are slightly wider, fewer daggers are thrown, potency of the venom is diluted and if you’re lucky, a tight forced smile may escape from the lips of the reluctant crew, BA bitches are frosty at best to World Traveller Plus passengers. Business class passengers on the other hand, will admittedly receive better treatment, but scornfully, as the BA bitches regard Business class passengers as people who still have not quite made it yet! They will only bother to fawn over First Class passengers, in the vain hopes that the passenger may be charmed and smitten by their attention and sweep them off their feet and take them far away from their wretched lives. Well, everyone is entitled to dream, no matter how preposterous or absurd!

We arrived in Melbourne in the early morning. The temperature was cool enough to see our own breath, a phenomenon that I never tire of experiencing! Cathy picked us up from the airport, and as it was too early to check into our hotel, we hung out at her lovely home. Located at Tullamarine, just a stone’s throw away from the airport, it was a charming single storey 3 bedroom red brick house. Being out, loud and proud, Cathy had a Rainbow flag hanging in the garden. Beta had absolutely no idea what it signified, and I must admit I was a little taken aback by his naïveté, but we enlightened him and watched his eyes widened in amazement by the fact that such a thing actually existed! Cathy and her girlfriend Lorna made us a hale and hearty breakfast, a marked and welcomed difference to the swill that was served onboard. We had a lovely time catching up and of course getting to know new friends! After breakfast, we adjourned to the garden clutching our mugs of hot tea. It was simple pleasure to sit out and enjoy the cool bracing morning air.

Come early afternoon, Cathy insisted on bringing us to Chapel Street, a quaint stretch of road flanked by Victorian looking shop-houses. It turns out that Chapel Street is a famous shopping, dining and entertainment precinct in Melbourne. We flitted in and out of boutiques and delightful shops selling bric-a-brac, before settling in a street cafe to indulge in hot chocolate, coffee and people watching! All too soon, it was time to check into our hotel. Cathy dropped us off at the entrance of the Le Meridien Rialto right in the city centre. The Le Meridien Rialto consists of two 19th century heritage buildings, one in a brick Romanesque-style and the other a Gothic-style. The buildings are split by a beautifully preserved classic bluestone cobbled lane. The hotel positively oozed history! After settling in, we headed out to explore the city. It was autumn, so the sun had set earlier than usual. Flinders Station, the central railway station of the suburban rail network, with its distinctive dome and clocks was brilliantly lit to accentuate the facade of this historic site. Across from the station, not to be outdone, shone Federation Square, it is a collection of avant-garde buildings designed along a cubist vein and is architecturally quite compelling! The buildings house an assortment of art galleries, a museum, cinemas, exhibition spaces, auditoria, restaurants, bars and shops. Veritably, a culturally exciting venue! It comes as no surprise that it is Victoria’s second most visited attraction!

We woke up to a clear and pleasantly cool morning. After completing our daily beauty rituals, we were ready to face Melbourne! Being the weekend, the city centre was deserted and devoid of its usual throng of humanity. It was a little surreal to be able to walk unobstructed amongst the concrete structures that towered and surrounded us; it positively exuded an eerie post-apocalyptic feel. However, it granted us the freedom and space to take our time to marvel at the diverse architectural styles that abounded. Being such a beautiful day, we partook in a leisurely stroll in the park to admire the beautiful hues of the changing autumnal leaves. Our random amble led us serendipitously to Victoria market! This 19th century market is a historic landmark in Melbourne. It is a tourist attraction as well as a local institution. All manner of fresh produce can be found here. The market was alive with a hive of activity as people migrated from one stall to the other. A melange of aromas emanate from a smoky section of the market dominated by stalls hawking international snacks ranging from Japanese to Chinese to German to Middle Eastern! Shots of freshly extracted sludge-green wheatgrass juice, purporting to be the new elixir of life were sold alongside more delicious sounding power-smoothie concoctions. Elsewhere in the market, you could find handicrafts ranging from vibrantly coloured hand-made soaps that smelt good enough to eat, to amazing varieties of different flavoured home-made fudge that could very easily be confused for soap! Rainbow-hued candles were warped into impossible shapes and sizes, native American-Indian products such as the mysterious dream-catcher, multitudes of crystals that promise to deflect negative energy and aid in balancing your chakras! Intoxicating incense and essential oils wafted through the Bohemian atmosphere. An Australian market would be incomplete without its aboriginal wares such as the boomerangs, didgeridoos, leather goods, pelts of sheep skin rugs and the rather gruesome leather coin pouches made out of the scrotal sack of a kangaroo, which claims to bring the bearer good luck! And of course, there were clothes galore! From edgy high street fashion to souvenir t-shirts to garish tie-dye creations and of course the run of the mill tat! Leaving Victoria Market, we encountered the usual shopping malls that invariably invade every developed city. It was pleasant though to see old-styled trams like the free City Circle service plying the tracks of Melbourne. The impressive facade of the General Post Office immediately drew us in, but it turns out that the interior had been converted into an upscale shopping arcade. Fortunately, most of its stunning details found on the archways, ceiling and pillars have been painstakingly and lovingly restored, thereby retaining the essence of its spectacular Renaissance Revival style.

In the continued pursuit of our lovely unhurried day, we decided to take a train from the iconic Flinders Street Station to enjoy the rest of the beautiful day in Brighton Beach. The train was clean, efficient and modern. In no time, we had reached our destination. Brighton Beach is characterised by the famed sweep of colourful beach huts. You can find candy coloured tones, patriotic flag designs but predominantly, they are painted in bright pastel shades, which is very pleasing to the eye! As it was not summer, the beach was deserted as we anticipated, which was very much to our liking! It was wonderful to have the entire stretch of beach all to ourselves. We sauntered along the beach, stopping every once in a while to skim stones over the placid waters. We sat by the benches and watched the seagulls soaring above us, wading in the shallows and bickering amongst themselves on the shore. It was very idyllic and peaceful. Hungry, we headed to the Brighton Baths restaurant which overlooks Melbourne’s only remaining sea bath, a vestige of the Victorian era. It is basically a large rectangular rock pool filled with sea water, and the ebb and flow of the tides refreshes the pool of sea water daily. During the height of the Victorian age, it was an extremely popular past-time for the Victorians to bathe (i.e. swim, soak, play or wade) in these sea pools. Naturally, we ordered seafood which was de rigueur in such an enchanting seaside setting. As we ate, we observed a few bathers emerging from a steaming room, presumably a sauna, and briskly making their way down the stairs to the sea bath, where they proceeded to swim a few laps in the chilly waters before hurriedly retreating to seek warmth in the sauna. Once suitably reheated, the whole exercise is repeated. This alternating between hot and cold has been proven to be extremely salubrious for the body’s circulatory system.

To end the day, we decided to head to Melbourne’s Luna Park, located in the heart of St. Kilda. Luna Park opened in 1912 and is one of Melbourne’s oldest amusement parks. It houses the oldest continually operating wooden roller coaster in the world. It is one of only nine of its kind still operating and it offers its riders stunning views of Port Phillip Bay. Eager to absorb the history and enjoy the rides, we entered the park through the enormous gaping mouth of what I assumed to be a jester’s head. Our gaze was immediately drawn to an ominous scene of a cherry picker that had been precariously deployed to reach a stuck carriage of the Metropolis roller coaster ride. After sufficient gawking, we back tracked and walked right out of the park! Later that night, TV news revealed that the riders of the Metropolis were trapped in the carriage for several hours before firemen freed them from their ordeal. Thankfully, no one was injured!

I met up with Cathy, Lorna and her pre-teen daughter the next day sans Gurbir, as he had gone clubbing the night before and wanted to sleep in. It was to be a day of sophistication and culture. We visited the Arts Centre with its impressive spire wrought of steel webbing that dramatically pierces 162m skyward. The Arts Centre is the cultural nerve centre of Melbourne, where it has long been associated with the arts and entertainment. On our visit, a collection of pop princess, Kylie Minogue’s, sequined, feathered and rhinestone-d concert costumes was on exhibit. Next to the Arts Centre was the National Gallery of Victoria. Within its cavernous halls were modern installation pieces, contemporary artwork, sculptures and classic masterpieces. I am not going to masquerade as an art aficionado and claim to be able to comprehend the nuances and symbolism it usually conceals. Honestly, after a while, I just got bored with the place. But I didn’t say anything because both Cathy and Lorna seemed to be enjoying themselves so much. All that culture worked up quite an appetite! Gurbir finally deigned to grace us with his presence, and together, we headed off to the supermarket for some serious grocery shopping, because we were going to have an Ozzie barbeque at Cathy’s house! While filling up the cart with all the necessary produce for the barbeque, beta and I came across a rather peculiar meat. It looked like beef, but was in fact kangaroo meat! We were rather conflicted, on the one hand, we felt so sorry for the poor kangaroo, but on the other, we were intrigued by what the meat would taste like. After wrangling with our conscience, gluttony scored an ignominious win while compassion was defeated. Oh well, the circle of life continues!

We drove back to Cathy’s home with the boot groaning under the weight of our purchases. Soon, all hands were on deck and everybody chipped in to prepare for the night’s feasting! Cathy’s humble kitchen started churning out hamburger patties, kebabs, marinated kangaroo rump, baby spinach salad and coleslaw. Red and green peppers, courgettes, large white button mushrooms, onions and aubergines were washed and cut, poised for their baptism of fire which would transform them into smoky, juicy and deliciously charred roasted vegetables! What a spread it was going to be! With the obligatory Australian wines well chilled and the barbeque pit all aflame and raring to go, it was time to start the revelry! The crisp notes and the fruity flavour of the chilled Australian chardonnay was the perfect aperitif! Soon, slabs of meat and vegetables were happily grilling away on the pit. The aromas released were absolutely mouth-watering. While waiting for the food to cook, we temporarily staved off our hunger pangs with the salads and nacho chips. Once the meats were cooked, civility flew out the window and we turned into Neanderthals! It was great! The kangaroo meat was divine! We stuffed our greedy guts beyond capacity and were soon sat around unmoving, but satiated with big stupid grins on our faces and vegetating in contentment! Scrumptious food, good wine and great company, what more could we have asked for?

After a good night’s sleep, our wonderful host, Cathy, drove us to the leafy Dandenong Ranges. It comprises of a set of low mountain ranges which consist mostly of rolling hills, steep valleys and gullies covered in thick temperate rainforest. She suggested going there to take in the fresh air and scenery and most importantly, to witness Mother Nature’s Fall collection which would showcase her penchant for warm tones of ambers, reds, oranges and yellows during this season. It was to be a performance that would rival any Parisian couturier’s fashion show! All around, Mother Nature’s magnificent models were dressed in her finest autumnal creations. Several slender models clamoured for attention with their outrageous flame red tops, whilst others, not to be outdone, flaunted vibrant yellow canopies, full-bodied varieties toned things down with understated maroons and yet others sported amber crowns and even quirkier ones accessorised with burgundy crests, all this amid a backdrop of evergreens! It was stunning and breathtaking! What a show! Brava!

After the spectacular viewing, we went to Miss Marple’s Tea House. It was a quintessentially English tea house, in mock Tudor style. Inside, we found a gallery of Miss Marple memorabilia and an impressive collection of English teapots. No detail was overlooked to recreate the look and feel of a typical English tea house, from the furniture to the fixtures to the cutlery to the table setting to the wall paper. This was clearly a labour of love! The proprietor of the establishment had to be either an eccentric Brit or a rabid Anglophile with a fetish for Agatha Christie’s elderly amateur detective! Naturally, we sat down to tea, cakes and hot buttery scones served with fresh cream and a selection of jams. Utterly delightful! To walk off the heavy cream and sinful confectionery, we decided to hike along one of the various walking trails found in and around the Ranges. The trail was interspersed with strange primeval looking palms which would have looked more at home in the Jurassic era rather than the here and now! In a never ending scramble for what precious little sunlit real estate that’s available, ferns clung desperately on host trees, vines launched tendrils and tentacles clutching for dear life whilst creepers carpeted the forest floor shrouding any available space with luxuriant foliage. Tall proud conifers stood out like silent sentinels of the forest. In such a magical setting, the only thing missing were the wood nymphs and tree sprites! To end our little excursion, Cathy brought us to one of the numerous lookout points in Dandenong. There we had a fantastic view of Dandenong Creek with the scent of eucalyptus floating in the air. What a wonderful way to end our visit to Melbourne! The downside was that we had to endure more scowling and loathing from the dour BA bitches on our return leg! Right back at ya BITCHES!